Monday, November 26, 2007

The Christianity 451 Home Game

*applause* It is time to play the Christianity 451 Home Game! Yeah! *applause*

That's right, Ladies and Gentlemen, the game where you get to sit at home and test your ability to think for yourself and perform basic grammar at a fifth grade reading level! How you answer this question will reveal how equipped you are to fulfill your Biblical task of proper doctrinal discernment [Gal 1:6-12, Acts 5:29]! Ready to play! *cheers* Yeah!

Okay... here is your sample text: "The ball is spherical, blue, and large."

Alright, that piece of grammatical text is absolutely true. Now using only the text, tell me which of the following statements properly communicates what the text is saying:

1. The ball is round, but not exactly spherical. This is because the word "spherical" is a metaphor to help explain how round the ball is. Round is what is implied when the word "spherical" is used. People say "spherical" when they mean "round" all the time. That proves that the ball is not spherical. It is actually round, blue, and large.
2. The ball must be spherical first, then it can be blue, and then it becomes large. The order is important.
3. The ball is spherical and blue, but sometimes it can be small.
4. The ball was spherical, blue, and large at the time when the statement was made. Now it can be pink. Therefore, it is possible to have a ball that is spherical, pink, and large. It is still the same ball.
5. There is no ball.
6. No ball can be spherical and blue without first being large.
7. A ball must be spherical in order for it to be blue and large.
8. The ball is spherical, blue, and large.
9. The large is ball.
10. A ball can be a cube provided that it is spherical, blue, and large.
11. The ball is spherical, blue, and large. The blue must be baby blue and no other shade of blue. All other shades of blue are wrong.
12. The ball is spherical, blue, mauve, and large.
13. The ball is spherical, blue, and large. Large is 2,000 inches. Anything under 2,000 inches is not a ball.
14. The ball is spherical, blue-green, and large.
15. If you believe that the ball is spherical, it will become blue and large for you.
16. You can make the ball spherical, blue, and large.
17. It is your responsibility to ensure that the ball is spherical, blue, and large.
18. We all know about the ball. Let's move on to worry about the rectangular prisms.
19. What good is a spherical, blue, large ball if it is not also fuzzy?
20. The ball appears to be spherical, blue, and large. It is not exactly spherical, blue, and large, but it has some properties of those things. In this case, the text is a metaphor to explain how the ball feels and behaves. It is like it is spherical. It is like it is blue. It is like it is large. It is none of those things literally. You have to understand the intent of what was said when it was said. We know the inflection that was used and can rule out a literal meaning. Ignore the fact that it was written after the fact in a textual medium that was meant to be read by those who did not witness the metaphor. You can trust our analysis even though it requires auditory data that we have never heard ourselves.

Do you have your answer? Good! *cheers*

Tell it to me. Be sure to break it down carefully and show me the grammar. That way I can totally ignore you and mutter, "Why should I believe your commentary over the other 19 commentaries?"

...oh and don't worry if you get the answer wrong. All that matters is that you are close, right? Heck, there is probably even hope for those guys who answered #5, right? After all I am sure that you will find plenty of churches out there who agree with you no matter what option you picked. My goodness, I am sure that the Holy Spirit revealed an option to you that I did not even think of. I bet there is a mystical prophesy #21 out there that totally flies in the face of the original text. There are churches out there for you #21 guys, too.

Most of this readin' and learnin' stuff is silly anyway. Jesus didn't really call us to do all this wisdomy stuff, did He? God preserved this book for 2,000 years so that we can lay it on our dressers and have a place to stuff birth certificates and wedding photos. The early Christians didn't go the lions so that we could actually study the thing like back when we were in school, did they? We're s'posed to be doing nothing but fishin' and growin' not doing all that hard disciplin' and discernin'. We should be lazy and just find a trusted source to tell us what the book says and buy every cent of it without ever checking it through critical analysis. All that matters is that you really love your ball and that you are around people who feel the same way about your ball....

...even if your ball is a tiny, fuzzy, pink cube.

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