Debunking Heretical Church Business Models with Crass Corperate-Speak

Let's translate our call to repentence in crass terms that you "church as a business" and "pastor as CEO" guys understand:

Proclaiming repentance, eternal life, and the forgiveness of sins is a "niche market". No one outside of Christianity can truly offer this "service". This is the "bread and butter" of the church and is the one place where there is no "competition". In fact, the church holds a "monopoly" in this area that no other entity on earth can penetrate. There is a limitless supply of work to be done in this area so we need to devote "all of our assets and resources" to this monumental task. We can't get distracted by other concerns and go "chasing rabbits in the weeds".

When the church leaves our 2,000 year old "business model" and adopts something else, the church steps out of "a sure thing" and wanders off into areas that are "outside of its depth". Worst of all, other entities have more worldly "capital" than the church and so they will always "price the church out of the market". If the church is exactly like a Christian-ish version of a Las Vegas show, Oprah, a rock concert, a community center, a political party, or a ethics think tank, then there is no reason for people to stay with the church since those organizations "offer their products" at a much higher "quality level" than the church can provide without completely "selling out" to those industries.

Now I hear alot of things around the "water cooler". Alot of people are claiming that the "boss" is looking to unveil something new and different. Well, I don't see Him inviting any of these people into any "special meetings" and he certainly hasn't "put out anything concrete" on these kinds of things. Most of that stuff is just "hearsay" and people "stealing authority" that isn't theirs.

Moreover, our "owner", Jesus Christ, has put forth "strict directives" in His "policy memorandum" titled: The Bible. We cannot go against these founding principles. It's not "who we are". Worse yet, He has already threatened repeatedly that he will remove people who don't do the job and replace them with people who will do it. He has made it clear that He's not really interested in creativity. He wants consistency, commitment, and steadfast dedication to HIS "business model". Questioning the model that has already been established is "above our pay grade". We weren't hired on to rethink, repackage, or reimagine the divine "paradigm". That "ship has sailed". We weren't "delegated" that kind of authority by the "home office". With that in mind, we need to stop throwing "good money after bad" on our own "pet projects" that do not create any "lasting dividends". Most of that stuff has just "artificially inflated our books". Most of those gains "won't be able to produce in the final analysis".

Stop all instances of "mission creep". Let's just "stay on task" and do what we were told by the guy who "built this thing from the ground up". After all, He is the one who "signing all our checks" and "paying all the bills".

There..... now I feel icky and sick to my stomach.